It was the accent that gave it away. For the past few months my ‘external motivator’ voice hasn’t had an accent. It’s just been dreary and dull and well basically, my own voice but worse. Today I was ordering myself around in a (bad) Irish accent – think Brad Pitt in Fight Club – and as I told myself to ‘put da fockin kettle ahn’, I grinned in delight. Yes! Things were going to get DONE today… When I am being really stern with myself and trying to study, it is generally an Afrikaans accent and occasionally when I need to be a bit softer on myself, it’s either Brummie or West Country. (disclaimer: please do not think that at any point I am being judgy about countries/accents.. this is purely my own mental shit coming out.. bear with). Now, interestingly, as I did my second attempt at a bloody horrid medication exam, I spoke in my own voice. But very strict. Not until I had passed the 100% pass mark did any other fun accents deign to materialise. So, the return of them can only signify that the fog is lifting and I am on the mend.
The sun, daffs, Floradix and the miracle of high potency vitamin D3 spray on my buccal mucosa are potentially the components that kicked me up the arse physically and mentally. The relief at just doing, not thinking about doing and having a constant internal struggle as to whether I can muster the courage and energy to do… The problem with innate inertia is that the idea of even taking a shower just poses so many issues… literally, it’s less Midas and more Misery touch.
So think of my utter glee at not feeling like this today. Like someone turned the fucking light on! There I was skipping about the garden, trying not to tread on the mud-was-grass and stick to the stepping stones which must have been laid by an idiot (me) as you can’t walk on them without looking like a drunk pirate walking the plank.. in the end, (think fit pirate whatsisface Depp when he is pissed and trying to run), you get faster and faster and if you can make it to the end without falling off one of them.. it’s a Brucie Bonus. Admittedly this is much more fun (and less possible) when inebriated.
Things are settling.. Mr P and I are working things out and I feel blissfully happy about it. Plans are being made for the Spring and Summer.. the end of my course is in sight and all is looking good in the hood.