As I am driving, I feel a surge of anger and pain. Grief, it swells and builds like a wave, gathering momentum until the only exit is via my mouth… I scream as sobs escape. Tears streaming down my face as I try and ensure that I can see where I am going. That I can manage to get to the destination without causing an accident.
This has been my reality so, so many times over the last year. I feel like my insides are barren. Each time new growth occurs, another wildfire rips through burning everything in sight. I crawl through the burning wreckage, realising that my wreckage is nothing in comparison to some.. but it is still real. It is still burning. It still burns.
Each decision I make is done as if under water. Muted, muffled and without clear direction. Something innate within me pushing me ahead.. one step closer, one step nearer the end goal.
This year’s emphasis has been on loss. Loss of those close, loss of those dear. Loss of control. One foot I put in front of the other.. slowly treading. Slowly hoping that instinct will guide me to the end goal.
I sit here with the Xmas tree lights glowing, cats finally happy next to me on the sofa (no dog in sight) and I pray that 2018 can slip by, its final moments without any more pain. As the lights twinkle, I hope that each tiny surge of electricity is an indication of new life, new goals, new hope.